August, what a month!

Where do I even start? So finding out I was pegnant was a big shock, but a great and miraculous shock. I thought everything was finally falling into place and just perfect, and that I was going to get the best thing in the world, the thing I've wanted most out of life since I was about 12. I thought wrong. I really enjoyed telling people the good news and seeing the looks of joy on their faces, even if it was a bit risky doing so early on. Some people it was necessary to tell, like instructors at the gym so that they could make sure I didn't do anything that might be harmful to the baby, but I enjoyed that too as I know them all pretty well, particularly my trainer Matt. He's been working with me since the beginning and knows what my goals were and why and how much it meant to me, and really helped me to achieve them. When I told him the news he was really happy for me. The other instructors who I had talked to, including one who's just had a baby herself, said to baiscally just carry on doing the same things, but just tone it down gradually and be careful, but not Matt. Knowing me better than the others, he knew how important this baby was to me and wanted to help me to feel comfortable and not do anything risky. So, he made me a special programme, which was a lot lighter and easier than what I was used to, but made sure I and the baby would be 'safe'. It was like he was being really protective of the baby, and as he went through the exercises with me we talked about babies and our plans, which I thought was really nice and a little surprising. He looks like quite an intimidating person; big, muscley, tatooed and shaven headed, but he has a real soft side and was one of my favourite people to talk to about the whole thing.

I got to have an early scan at 6 weeks because I was seen as high risk and they wanted to make sure it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy. I was nervous in case it didn't go well, but also excited to see the baby, even if it didn't yet look like a baby, just a blob and I just wanted to know everything was okay, and it was. They couldn't see very much with it still being so early, but they saw something and it was in the right place, which I was very relieved about, and they made me an appointment for another scan 10 days later, so they would be able to see more. Unfortunately, just 2 days later I started bleeding, which completely freaked me out, until I found out it was normal, as long as it was only light. Another 2 days after that however it got worse, and I freaked out again. That's when my amazing sister in law and friends stepped in. I tried to see a doctor, but with no success. They said because I was due for a scan in 6 days anyway I would just have to wait until then. It was like torture, having to wait nearly a week just to find out whether my baby was okay or even still alive! For the first 24 hours I was so scared and was dwelling on the negatives. I felt stupid for having gotten so excited and told so many people, when there's a very good reason why people usually wait longer to tell their family and friends. If things went wrong I would then have to go and tell everyone what had happened, which would be hard enough without seeing their disappointment. This didn't last long however. The morning after the problems started, 2 lovely sisters turned up on my doorstep. they talked to me, assured me that it wasn't necessarily as bad as I thought, and just to make sure I should rest. They made me lie down and not move while they made me lunch, sorted out my kitchen and arranged for meals to be brought to me every day for the next week. it even turned out to be a good that that so many people knew, as it meant they were able to help out, and even people who hadn't known were told so that they could help too. I think the whole ward knew in the end, but it was good because it meant they were all praying for us, and we really felt their love. We really felt like part of a ward family, they were all so nice. It was a really long and frustrating week, it's hard to do nothing when you're used to being so active. I also had to miss one of my best friend's weddings, a baby blessing (and of course the gym) which I was pretty gutted about, I so wanted to be there and had looked forward to it for ages. I was also lucky enough to have my mum come and stay for the weekend and help out. When I finally had my scan my fears were confirmed, we had lost our baby. I felt sad, but not upset and surpisingly really calm. Even in the days leading up to the scan, despite fearing the worst, I was okay about it and the night before Tristram and I had a really good discussion about it, the possible outcomes, what they mean for us and how we felt about it all. I think that really helped in dealing with it. I also thought back to the blessing that he had given me a few days earlier, which is I'm sure why I was able to react so positively, despite it being such a devastating thing.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was so excited because I wanted it so much, and when I thought about the idea that it may not work out, I couldn’t even comprehend it, I got upset just thinking about it because it seemed so unbearable. I thought if I had a miscarriage it would just be the worst thing ever and I really didn’t know how I would ever cope or get through it. After waiting so long and having my dream so close, only to then be taken away, to hear that I had lost a child would be the worst news anyone could give me, especially as the timing and everything had seemed so perfect. The reality however was very different. We had so many people fasting and praying for us that everything would work out, and even though it may not have worked out the way we had all hoped, it did help. I Feel that during this time I have been really blessed, strengthened unbelievably to be able to cope with a situation I never thought I would be able to handle, and cope well. I don’t just feel okay, I feel positive and optimistic, because I know it was still a miracle and that it will happen again. I know that I will see my child again one day and that they are sealed to us and my testimony of the plan of salvation has really grown strong. It was hard to tell people the bad news, but not as bad as I thought. I went to the gym the following day and Matt was really nice to me, and it also happened to be his last day there, which I found more upsetting. It was harder to say goodbye than to tell him about losing the baby. I’m really going to miss him.

A few days after this experience I had an interview with Key Stage. They accepted me as a supply teaching assistant, so I now get to be paid for doing what I love, working with children. I haven’t had any work yet but am very much looking forward to it.

Miracles!

So if ever anyone didn't believe in miracles, they just need to look at the last few months of my life. I felt so good and so strongly about things that last month I even bore my testimony in testimony meeting, and that's saying something for me! Even if it was at the prompting of the missionaries. We had had Elder Gorts and Elder Diatel over for dinner and while they were in our home they gave a small presentation and gave us a challenge, to pray for a missionary experience. They also asked us to invite someone to something at church. At this point I was like probably the majority of members, feeling self concious and already making excuses in my head as to why it wouldn't work, like most of my friends are already members and I don't really socialise with non-members, but they were really good guys and we both felt quite a connection to them. We did as they asked and a person came to my mind, a guy from the gym who I'd seen and spoken to a few times and who seemed like a nice guy, and he had just added me as a friend on Facebook and when I read his profile had a good feeling about him. I knew he liked football so I invited him to come and play with us on a Thursday night, and with the pitch being on the temple site it led to a very positive gospel conversation. He asked if he could bring his friend Rob as well, which we said was fine so he did. Everyone enjoyed the game and they were so impressed with the temple site we took them on a tour afterwards. We kind of paired off, I talked to David and Tristram talked to Rob and the questions came thick and fast. We answered them as well as we could and bore testimony about different principles of the gospel, and spent about an hour in total doing so, it was pretty amazing. Towards the end of the night the questions had progressed to practicalities, such as 'what does someone have to do to become a member of the church?' which was rather exciting. After we dropped them off Tristram and I just looked at each other in disbelief at how well that had gone and the miracle that had taken place. My prayer had been answered, and in a way that I never thought possible. I had faith, but this experience increased it to a new level. Not only did I have two potential investigators, who are already pretty clean living guys and wouldn't have to change their lifestyles too much, but I made two great new friends as well. We called the missionaries as soon as we got home and shared with them what had happened and they too were pretty amazed. David has since been taught the first discussion and attended church a few times, but his knowledge is amazing, he reads the Book of Mormon and Bible and prays daily. Every few days it seems he tells me about some new experience he has had, some 'coincidence' or miracle that has taken place in his own life, and now recognises them as God's hand. He basically knows already that the church is true, but just wants time. Rob is a little further behind but is excited about family history and meeting with the missionaries and has said lots of positive things. He knows that becoming a member of the church would be a positive change in his life. I have spent a lot of time with them in the last few weeks and we have become quite close. They really are great guys and would make great members of the church.

On top of that there are two other litle miracles in the form of babies who have made a big impression. My sister in law Alisha is amazing! At just 19 weeks her waters broke and the doctors gave her no chance of giving birth to a healthy baby that could actually survive, but she didn't give up on little Cienna. She got us all fasting and praying and had the faith that it would work and it has! She has astounded doctors and 12 weeks later Cienna is still hanging in there growing stronger and healthier every day, and if she doesn't come in the next 3 weeks they're going to induce her! Quite a change from thinking she was going to be born way to early to even consider saving her.

The other once is own little personal story which has only just begun. After 5 and 1/2 years of marriage and trying to have a baby we finally got accepted to do IVF, finally a chance to have the thing I've wanted most ever since I was about 12! When I was told I would need an operation to give me the best possible chance of success I was a litle disappointed and scared even, as it seemed like yet another setback and delay in having a family, but I knew it was the for the best so I agreed to go ahead with it. Last Friday was D-day, and I went to the hospital for what would hopefully be the last hurdle in the strive for IVF. Everything seemed to be going wrong that day and after waiting 8 hours for surgery something amazing happened. They told me that they had carried out some tests and I wouldn't be having the operation after all because I was already pregnant! They had carried out the test twice and it was positive both times, and a positive blood test confirmed it a third time. It's still early days, but I'm trying to have the necessary faith, while also not getting carried away or get too excited. Ihad doubted that it would ever happen for me, especially naturally, but after the bishop gave me a blessing last year saying it would, I just had to believe. The timing is amazing! I have recently qualified as a level 2 teaching assistant and finished 2 part-time jobs in preparation for starting supply work in September, having opted for that over something permanent. Also there's the physical side. the last year and a bit have been a struggle but I've lost over 3 stone and am now the fittest I have ever been. Just a few months ago I could barely run and hated doing so, no I run 5km a day on the treadmill and just last week I came second in the 400m, won the 800m and 5000m and was part of the winning 4x100m and 4x4oom relay teams. these are feats and I could onlt have dreamed of a year ago. I was so bad at PE at school, not that I didn't try though, but I wish my PE teachers could see me now.

These are just a few examples of what can happen if you have a bit of faith.