August, what a month!

Where do I even start? So finding out I was pegnant was a big shock, but a great and miraculous shock. I thought everything was finally falling into place and just perfect, and that I was going to get the best thing in the world, the thing I've wanted most out of life since I was about 12. I thought wrong. I really enjoyed telling people the good news and seeing the looks of joy on their faces, even if it was a bit risky doing so early on. Some people it was necessary to tell, like instructors at the gym so that they could make sure I didn't do anything that might be harmful to the baby, but I enjoyed that too as I know them all pretty well, particularly my trainer Matt. He's been working with me since the beginning and knows what my goals were and why and how much it meant to me, and really helped me to achieve them. When I told him the news he was really happy for me. The other instructors who I had talked to, including one who's just had a baby herself, said to baiscally just carry on doing the same things, but just tone it down gradually and be careful, but not Matt. Knowing me better than the others, he knew how important this baby was to me and wanted to help me to feel comfortable and not do anything risky. So, he made me a special programme, which was a lot lighter and easier than what I was used to, but made sure I and the baby would be 'safe'. It was like he was being really protective of the baby, and as he went through the exercises with me we talked about babies and our plans, which I thought was really nice and a little surprising. He looks like quite an intimidating person; big, muscley, tatooed and shaven headed, but he has a real soft side and was one of my favourite people to talk to about the whole thing.

I got to have an early scan at 6 weeks because I was seen as high risk and they wanted to make sure it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy. I was nervous in case it didn't go well, but also excited to see the baby, even if it didn't yet look like a baby, just a blob and I just wanted to know everything was okay, and it was. They couldn't see very much with it still being so early, but they saw something and it was in the right place, which I was very relieved about, and they made me an appointment for another scan 10 days later, so they would be able to see more. Unfortunately, just 2 days later I started bleeding, which completely freaked me out, until I found out it was normal, as long as it was only light. Another 2 days after that however it got worse, and I freaked out again. That's when my amazing sister in law and friends stepped in. I tried to see a doctor, but with no success. They said because I was due for a scan in 6 days anyway I would just have to wait until then. It was like torture, having to wait nearly a week just to find out whether my baby was okay or even still alive! For the first 24 hours I was so scared and was dwelling on the negatives. I felt stupid for having gotten so excited and told so many people, when there's a very good reason why people usually wait longer to tell their family and friends. If things went wrong I would then have to go and tell everyone what had happened, which would be hard enough without seeing their disappointment. This didn't last long however. The morning after the problems started, 2 lovely sisters turned up on my doorstep. they talked to me, assured me that it wasn't necessarily as bad as I thought, and just to make sure I should rest. They made me lie down and not move while they made me lunch, sorted out my kitchen and arranged for meals to be brought to me every day for the next week. it even turned out to be a good that that so many people knew, as it meant they were able to help out, and even people who hadn't known were told so that they could help too. I think the whole ward knew in the end, but it was good because it meant they were all praying for us, and we really felt their love. We really felt like part of a ward family, they were all so nice. It was a really long and frustrating week, it's hard to do nothing when you're used to being so active. I also had to miss one of my best friend's weddings, a baby blessing (and of course the gym) which I was pretty gutted about, I so wanted to be there and had looked forward to it for ages. I was also lucky enough to have my mum come and stay for the weekend and help out. When I finally had my scan my fears were confirmed, we had lost our baby. I felt sad, but not upset and surpisingly really calm. Even in the days leading up to the scan, despite fearing the worst, I was okay about it and the night before Tristram and I had a really good discussion about it, the possible outcomes, what they mean for us and how we felt about it all. I think that really helped in dealing with it. I also thought back to the blessing that he had given me a few days earlier, which is I'm sure why I was able to react so positively, despite it being such a devastating thing.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was so excited because I wanted it so much, and when I thought about the idea that it may not work out, I couldn’t even comprehend it, I got upset just thinking about it because it seemed so unbearable. I thought if I had a miscarriage it would just be the worst thing ever and I really didn’t know how I would ever cope or get through it. After waiting so long and having my dream so close, only to then be taken away, to hear that I had lost a child would be the worst news anyone could give me, especially as the timing and everything had seemed so perfect. The reality however was very different. We had so many people fasting and praying for us that everything would work out, and even though it may not have worked out the way we had all hoped, it did help. I Feel that during this time I have been really blessed, strengthened unbelievably to be able to cope with a situation I never thought I would be able to handle, and cope well. I don’t just feel okay, I feel positive and optimistic, because I know it was still a miracle and that it will happen again. I know that I will see my child again one day and that they are sealed to us and my testimony of the plan of salvation has really grown strong. It was hard to tell people the bad news, but not as bad as I thought. I went to the gym the following day and Matt was really nice to me, and it also happened to be his last day there, which I found more upsetting. It was harder to say goodbye than to tell him about losing the baby. I’m really going to miss him.

A few days after this experience I had an interview with Key Stage. They accepted me as a supply teaching assistant, so I now get to be paid for doing what I love, working with children. I haven’t had any work yet but am very much looking forward to it.